its been too long ... far far too long

well thanks to a very very good friend who poked and prodded me until I ran, So with my youngest child sleeping and my husband at home, I ran outside. I couldn't find my ear-buds, my sports bra and couldn't figure out how to take my water bottle, so I left it. It started out well enough. I couldn't wait to get past the first 5 min walk but i slowed my first run with 15 seconds left to run, out of the six 90 second intervals i can honestly only say that i was able to run for 2. Better 2 than none right ? running outdoors was a nice change, the feeling of going somewhere was a bit invigorating. the pain in my side returned and I struggled to run past it. Thankfully there was only one small hill and it didn't cause too much trouble. My girls had a mind of their own and i defiantly got some looks from people driving by and not to mention the soreness in my chest. when I got home i felt like crap a big pile of crap, my legs felt like id ran a marathon, my whole body was like jello. On that run i wished id had my water bottle. I am disappointed in my efforts in a way that i know i would have ran harder on a treadmill but I am thankful and a bit proud that I did it. So on this Canadian thanksgiving, I want to say that I am soo thankful for the people that have supported me and continue to do so. Happy thanksgiving !

Feeling better

I admit, i missed another run yesterday, but i am glad I did. For those who don't know me I am in the process of moving, also i got my period and am defiantly fighting off the bug my son had for 2 days. Last night I actually took Gravol and am glad that I did. I have however seemed to renew my comitment and have more control over my eating habits. I bought a case of diet Dr pepper and am only drinking tops 2 cans a day and i dont feel as though I am depriving myself, I have cut out my one cup of coffee a day ( usually with 3 or 4 teaspoons of sugar) and that probably makes up for the pop. I am going to try my darndest to run tonight, i really want to and need to.

Why am I doing this ?

It has occurred to me that a large part of the reason i am doing this is in the hopes that it will make me important to someone, and I know it will but probably not in the way I originally intended. If you treat me like crap now and then I get thin, what will change ? and if you treat me differently do I want you in my life? Probably not. I guess the harsh reality is that under my uber positive exterior is a very insecure person who feels worthless and I attribute that to my weight. This is affecting every inch of my life and not in ways that I like, I notice that effects my marriage, a lot ! I seem to have built a wall around myself, i dot know if I can bring it down, its funny ( well not really) that writing this actually makes me feel bad I see what I am doing to my life and I know who can stop it, I just feel helpless on the inside. I hope one day i can help myself, but right now I don't know how and when, if i even can.

Yes I still can ...

I've been neglecting my running between lack of motivation, sick kids and being completely overwhelmed with our move and stress. However after much poking and prodding of my wonderful husband he made me go to the gym. It took 4 trips from the car to house to make sure i had everything in my bag. I get changed and go into the weight room and the treadmill that I usually use is the only one empty, the fit man to my left tells me it keeps reading error. After 2 1/2 min and some help from the nice man beside me helped me turn it off and back on. I had a lot of pain in my calf from not running regularly and it was a bit worse than it normally is. I finished my run by the skin of my rear. and get changed, i take my water and my journal, and go to the hot tub,feeling quite accomplished i might add. I always write my thoughts down directly after i run then translate it here. Usually only keeping my most inner secrets and feelings to myself. Today I have decided to include all of my thoughts today as they were quite a lot to handle. Here it is ....


No one tells you that it is really you who has defeated yourself- and that you will be your biggest challenge to overcome, that regardless of stress, finances, kids, jobs and commitments inevitably it will be you that has to kick your own ass.No one can convince you to run past the pain in your calves, NO that has to be you. If we believed in ourselves what would we teach our children, and I mean really truly and remarkably believed in ourselves. what would I have done differently growing up ? would I have tried in gym class? would I have had an example to follow? I plan to find out from my girls when they are grown. whether I am fat or skinny my girls will have great role model who believed she could.

Misery

I am miserable, Its crappy weather, I'm tired its gray outside, my period comes in a week oh did I mention I feel like crap ? I got dressed this morning and I look pregnant :( The only reason I'm not crying as I type is because my 4 year old is beside me. I have a runny nose and a cough and I think I'm getting sick, when I walked my son to school i couldn't wear a jacket cause all mine are in storage and the other 3 adult in my home are all smaller than me. I want to sleep, and i want to go to bed before 12. I am a mess today and I really don't know if i will recover. I am a puddle on the floor. Right now I can't, and i don't feel like it will turn around anytime soon.


A miserable end of a Miserable day

A terrible end to my day, i started to run and immediately my toes started to burn, OMG flaming death. I made it through 4 of the 6 runs, running faster than normal but the pain was too intense so 20 minutes in, I stopped. I went into the change room feeling like pure crap. I should have taken 2 min then marched my sorry butt back in there but after my day I couldn't. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So defeated I got into my bathing suit and sat in the hot tub. I have never felt so S***ty in my whole life. I am starting to feel that I am getting burned out, maybe I just have too much stress, maybe its because I'm getting my period, I just don't know. I am struggling with my return to the gym, ALOT ! I think its time to call in for back up and have someone come with me.  I am so scared that this could be the beginning of my end, I am not ready for this journey to end. When do I return? I am debating tomorrow because I fear that if i don't return soon that I won't return. I am sad, frustrated and disappointed with myself. All I can think is I failed, will this be a bump in the road or the catalyst that started the end.
A better question.. WHY DO MY SHOES BURN MY FEET SO DAMN BAD ?? I really wish I knew :(
My eating habits have gone down the crapper too, I am just hungry a lot, and I feel like crap when I eat crap but my body seems to think I neeedddd that !!!I guess I just feel like my life is really unbalanced, I feel that so much has spiraled out of control in the last 3 days. I am still on the couch to 5K program I am still on the couch and I should be ending week three .. FAIL !! ick !!!!!

Ready to Run

AM 

Ive been struggling the last week the weather has been really gray and it affecting me. Today is a running day and I have not been looking forward to it, I don't know why cause when I'm done i usually feel great. Anyways I decide at random to hop on the scale, and to my VERY VERY large surprise, I'm down to 285.6 SWEEEETTTTT!!  Almost 3 weeks ago I hopped on and it read 290.8 ... WAHOOOO !! I cant wait to run tonight !! I am starting to feel that the day is coming when someone who doesn't know I'm trying looks at me and says... "have you lost weight ?" then I can say why yes I have ;) I really feel that loosing 30 pounds by Christmas is possible!! Oh wait its only 25 now :) that's 95 days to loose 25pounds .. hell yeah I can do that !!!

PM 

I just got home from an evening run at the gym, I still can't believe that I am okay walking into a gym full or men various ages and conditions and I'm okay with that. I felt good putting my tank on knowing that I've lost 5 pounds, I'm sure I make very little difference on the outside. But I feel good. A man ran beside me and he ran FAST!! I found myself feeling sluggish at the speeds I usually run at, so I ran a full decimal point faster, I usually run at a 7 or 7.2 tops and today I ran at 7.9 but more often 8.4 !! I guess the results are motivating, or maybe it was the guy beside me. I don't really care which It was a good feeling. I must admit though at about 1/2 way my roll around my center hit the stop button by accident. My feet are tired and my calves are a bit sore but I didn't take my normal dip in the hot-tub so I hope that it will work its self out when I go to bed. Thanks so much for everyone who has and continues to support me in my journey, your positive comments and messages mean a lot to me thanks :)

I will survive

Well, today was the official 2nd day of week two and day one was a brew-ha-ha. I really felt more like flying to the moon than running, however, running unlike flying to the moon is not optional. So we packed swimming stuff for the kids and all went to the rec center. After a good deal of stress, i got the husband and kids off to the pool, And me headed toward the treadmill. I feel better and better walking in there. For the first time in a very very long time I am comfortable in my own skin. i know i am not think and not in shape but damn it I can do that !! I immediately get on my favorite treadmill and start my podcast. I am intimidated by this particular podcast as it kicked my butt a bit last time( okay a lot bit). so i do warm up and feel like its the longest 5 min of my life. As I am walking an older man .. maybe 50 gets in the one beside me, just to be clear i could poke this man in the eye he is that close, He is in very good shape and in a race, i would defiantly be the tortoise, not the hare, better the tortoise than an onlooker though. I realize that i am not intimidated by this man at all, I know where my fitness level lies and right now im okay with that. Better to be here struggling to run for 90 second intervals than on my couch eating chips. I watch him a bit as I really want to be good at this and notice that his form is much more runner-esk than mine, his knees are raised higher and he runs one heck of a lot faster, I'm okay with that I figure all in good time. I do realize that breathing properly is more difficult and after the 90 seconds it takes 20-30 to get my breathing back to normal. I wonder who I should ask about this ? Also two treadmills over is the lady that too a picture of me and K on our first week, she smiles, I wonder has she read this and does she think less of me ? I hope not. on my second of 5 or 6 intervals my right calf is in a lot of pain, but n the bright side my feet are much happier in my indoor shoes. I tried to run through the pain but the truth is while it subsided it did not go away completely. during my 90s intervals the last 10- 15s i had to slow down a touch, but i didn't stop running. That's a place to start. I have one day left of week two but i think i will run it twice more just till i'm more comfortable.

Getting out of the pool after was sheer chaos and i almost had a complete breakdown/ freak out. A large stress was lifter off of us today but I know that there is more to come. We will be moving soon and that means a different gym, i wonder will I be so confident in a different gym ? will it hurt my confidence ? I am going to try and not let it !! Also a good friend of mine mention that she was interested in aqua fit classes, so i think i will hit her up on that and do that too !!! I noticed today that my pants do feel bigger in the waist and my breasts seem to fit a lot better in my bras. Ya never know maybe one day I will be able to wear a bra not from a specialty store !! that would be great !!! that'll be the day :)