YES I CAN .... Recover

Well after some much needed sleep, I feel much more able to handle the emotions that poured out last night with my struggle as I ran. I know that I will overcome this and many more, but saying that and doing it are two very very different things. The raw open wound that was once a blister is still very sore and very red, the other foot has recovered almost completely. I noticed today that my body seems to think itself very hungry and very tired. However life with 3 kids you do not get to stop and sleep and eat and recover. The stress in my household has become very stressful lately and I feel that weighing on me a lot. I worry that if i cannot change this situation that I will become very miserable and it will be very hard to continue. I worry about so much I am worried that in my life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I really want to go run just as an emotional escape from the chaos that is my life.

Burning feet of doom !!

So today, after much deliberation I went and bought the second pair of shoes for inside. I ended up buying the exact same style in a different color, even though esthetically i liked them less but they just fit better. My shoes are Nike airs and no air no love !!  So I was very fortunate to have my running buddy with me, to officially start week two. I really must say it was the hardest run so far, when i looked at the overviews I thought yeah week one run 60 seconds OK .. week two run 90 seconds yeah that sounds reasonable. Or not, it killed my feet my toes were burning and chaos and AHHHH! I think the run would have been okay if it weren't for my feet. It was really the hardest emotional battle i have encountered yet, Halfway through, i had to literally chant out loud I can do this i can do this, I'm halfway done i can do this, yes i can. I didn't care that there was another person in the gym, I really was scared that I was going to fail miserably, I didnt think about letting anyone down just the though of failure pushed me to finish, The last 2 min of my walk i was hold back tears from the pain in my feet ! As the treadmill stopped I got off and sat on the end with my feet just burning and throbbing, I couldn't believe it 2 days ago I was on top of the world and now i sit here inches from failure, what happened ? I guess it was time for my body to take my ego down a few pegs.I am worried that the motivation will not be there to run on Sunday. But I have to !!

I think now when I die ( i know morbid thought) I want to be known as the woman that fought and won her battle with obesity, I want my kids to learn by example, to be healthy not to eat for any reason but nourishment. I want treats to be special time with mom and dad. I love my kids and I don't want this struggle with this ever, and I want them to be proud of me. I don't want them to grow up in school and their teachers recognize me by my size or their classmates tease them because their mom is fat. I don't want to be trapped in my own body anymore.

I have been meaning to take my measurements as I know I have lost a few inches, I can tell by the way that my pants fit. I am a little scared that I could loose this battle, but that needs to be not an option. I am empowered today but not nearly as much as I normally after a run. I feel more exhausted as though I just fought an epic battle and won by the skin of my arse.  I must remember I CAN !!!

I love my shoes :)

So the day started out with my 2 least favourite activities, weighing myself and buying shoes, I am now down to 189.2 hooray !!! that was a good start. I go to mallards sports to look at running shoes,  WHOLY FREAKIN STICKER SHOCK !!!! have you seen the price of a good pair ?? they start at 100 and go wayyyyy up from there, i figured i could find a pair for 60.00 yeah right LOL anyways i go into this store and the young girl that helps me looks very unenthused about her job, shes nice but clearly doesnt wanna be there ICK, I try on about 5 pairs of shoes and decided that I like the nikes best as they fit wider, the ones i like are 129.99 OMGosh, then add HST there goes another 15.00 .. theese are now 150.00dollar running shoes. I am really weary of spending this much money on shoes, really quite alot actually. So i tell her I have to think about itand i might be back. I meet up with my husband and we go the next city over and go to athletes world. I didn't wanna do this, my mind says i am not an athlete at all ! However upon entering and starting too look at shoes a young but super super helpful friendly enthusiastic sales lady. She brings me probablly 8 pairs of shoes and i choose one pair 99.99 thats not too bad and if I choose to buy a second pair in the next 7 days i take in my reciept and i will get 1/2 off!!  SWEET!! I might do this cause your not supposed to wear outdoor shoes in the gym. We will see though.


As for my run, I went to the rec center again as I really love the treadmill. I walk past the gym door ( wich is glass) there is one man in there in his late 30's and average looking, immediatly I smile :) this is good, I get through the change room and walk past him and smile. I stop at the treadmill and get my MP3 ready, CRAP the week 2 podcast is missing, Oh well im here to run so I ran week one on a 1% incline. Now I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have been pretty nervous about uping the anty. However running the week one podcast with my new runners i rocked it !!!!!! It seemed to pass too fast and that makes me a bit sad I actually was comfortable enough to read the closed vaption on the news! Although I wore thin ankle socks and halfway through and my shoe rubbed my ankle pretty bad. I was still able to finish my run and it will be okay by morning. The pain in my chest didnt return and the pain in my calf I was able to run through.  My one leg was a bit sore but i think thats because of overcompensating because of the blister.

After I got off the treadmill I felt amazing, with sweat pouring down my face I realised that the people had changed but I could care less. I felt great !! I go back the the change room to shower as i will not have time and we are going to a friends house for dinner. I am suddenly a little concerned, now we are talking about showering in a semi public place. ICK my husband threw in a towel and its not a large one so i cover what i can of myself and go to the shower. The screaming hot shower feels great ! I can feel something pouring off my body with the hot water, i dont know if it was energy or stress or pain, but it felt sooo good. I finish my shower not wanting to leave the hot water and get myself changed. My husband the sweetheart that he is packed me and extra pair of underpants without me asking. I go outside and wait for him to pick me up in teh sunshine i write in my personal journal and debate my newfound love for running.

here are some of my thoughts on running. First of all I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie and well its a huge rush !! You just feel like your on top of the world its amazing !! there is an energy that hits about 7 or 8 minutes in when you get past the pain, the energy is primal and instinctive. Its such a pure feeling, its liek what your doing is exactly what you should, your body takes over and your head just focuses on the sweat pouring down your forehead and the sound of your feet hitting the ground. Its really very very inspiring. I can honestly say that I inspire myself. I love that my feet take over and my mind gets a break. I love running, and i love my shoes too. To me the shoes really represent the level of seriousness I have invested in me. Its great to put myself on the priority list. A huge thanks to everyone who has supported me, with words of encouragement, the words really do build up in my heart. thank you all sooo much.

The dilemma of the shoes

Well, needless to say that after a week of running and 4 days of walking my son to school and back home , then the same to pick him up. I have learned that my 10$ Wal-mart runners really aren't doing it. My 2 littlest toes on my left foot are raw, not even blistered. I noticed in my last run that my calves hurt, i wonder if its my posture or something I'm doing or it very well could be the lack of support in my shoes. So tomorrow I am going to buy running shoes, Ick another situation where I feel awkward but what the hey its cant be that bad after-all. I have to weigh myself and while i don't expect any loss id really like to see any. Also it has been brought to mt attention that i should keep track of inches, so tomorrow morning i will once again weigh in and measure. I am starting to struggle with cutting down on the pop and its getting harder and harder. I must remember that I CAN !!!

Bag O Poo

That's right, today i feel like a bag of poo. i am just really tired :( I think it may have been my time in the pool after my run that's kicking the crap out of me today. I am dreading walking my son to school and then walking home with my girls (4 and 17months) then walking back down with the girls and picking up my son and all of us walking back. i know this is nothing compared to the run i undertook yesterday but, ick. I guess I'm just having one of  those days. I'm really hoping that I can secure a treadmill for home soon so i can run at home. Oh well i guess it would be better if i got one closer to or after, when we have our own place. Then i can run while the baby naps. What a dream that would be ;) ell the sky is turning blue with lovley fluffy clouds so i guess its time to get everyone ready to walk.

3pm.....

I did my walking today and it was a good solid 30 minutes each round, but it was good. Exercise defiantly helps your mood. I think Ive hit a switch though it seems as though since i started this journey even a 30 min walk makes me sweat. On the first run to the school I wore goomba ( my 17 month old) on my back. My head somehow feels clearer after a walk or run. On the way out the door to pick my son up I grabbed some change just in case i couldn't live without a pop on the way. I also took a large kanteen of water, the kanteen is empty and the change is still in my pocket though ! I do have a Dr pepper in the fridge to have with dinner. That's my pop strategy, one a day. Last night my pop at dinner lasted me until midnight and we at at 6:30. I feel good. All in all my calves are sore but I feel really good.

9:30 pm ......

Ive had my doctor pepper and I am craving another, ALOT ! I have one in the fridge for tomorrow but instead I am drinking mint tea. Its actually pretty darn good. I went to the grocery store to get some nut free granola bars and i picked up some skim milk and special K for breakfast. I know i have to eat 3 meals a day and sometimes that's a struggle. I really hope that I can get a handle on all of this. i am struggling with whats better to cut down on carbs or calories ?.. I really love carbs and think a balance of both is a better choice. I am not counting calories at this point but I know that may come in the future. The cereal is lower than the rest on the shelf in carbs and the milk is lower in fat. Im really concerned that by learning more about nutrition I will learn that I am making awful choices.. And to top it all off I have no Idea where to start... Sigh ... I must remember slowly but surely

The End of the begininng

Well week one is offically over! I complete my last run of week one at the rec center, but it was not without its bumps.

On the previous night I decided I would run at the rec center at 10am, my husband would drop me off and pick me up an hour later. I get out and tell my husband to wait 2 min in case the fitness room is closed. Well the whole place is closed !! till 1.. so i resolve to come back later!
My husband and kids came with me and swam in the pool while I ran, My husband took the kids to get changed I went to the ladies room to get my running gear on. I get to the change room and realize that I have left my runners in the car, I go back out to get them and return to the change room and get changed, I grab my water, my MP3 player and get to the glass door of the fitness room .... Every single treadmill is occupied... oh nooo ! And to top it off there are 8- 10 people in there. I return to the change room.What am I going to do ? people ? running in public? my pride says "F that!" I sit for 5 min and talk myself out of my self defeat to go and do what i gotta do.

Sure enough when I get back one tread mill is empty, Of course its the different one, so i hope its similar to use. I get on and start my walk, there is a guy directly beside me and I really wanna look at him but feel it ould be rude, but i can see his arms. His arms are well built and have a tattoo of an arm band, all i can think is hes probably young and hot and here's my fat but running beside him, i am soooo out of place.

By my second running revolution  my calves start to hurt, usually its the pain under my ribs on the right side, not today, needless to say id rather the chest pain ( although the calf pain scares me less). I keep telling myself that I can run through it, the pain lasted 3 or 4 revolutions. And I did run through it, because I CAN!! As I run I peek at the guy beside me and the girl on the stationary bike to my left. I am very surprised when i realize that the man beside me is at least 40 and the girl is pretty and slim but not creepy thin. A man gets on another now vacant treadmill and he is short, with a shaved head and not a thin man. Suddenly it hits me I BELONG HERE !!  the only person who thinks twice about my presence here is me ! Everyone else could care less.I feel pretty darn good about this I must admit.

I realized halfway through my run that an old cotton tank top with lace edging is not a good choice, the yoga tank top that i am very self conscious about wearing was a much better choice!

While leaving with my family, a lady is sitting in the foyer its the lady that took my and K's picture 2 days ago :) we chat and I tell her about my blog and how to find it. I hope that if she finds it and reads it, that she is not offended by my comment about her looking not very friendly, That was my problem not hers. I wonder how many people I have alienated in my life out of sheer jelousy. If anyone I have ever done this to reads this .. I am so sorry. We get into our mini van and i learn that my husband told the kids if they were good in the change room they could have a special treat. this is a parenting tactic we use a lot, and the treat usually equates to food. I realize that I have to stop this, I need to make sure that my kids have healthy eating habits. This is not good and as parents we will be talking about it tonight. He wants us to go to dairy queen, I kibosh that right away !! no way !! I stop at the grocery store and steer away from the bread and cake type section and towards produce, I buy some red delicious apples ( my kids eat at least one a day) they are one sale and a beautiful deep red. i cruise down the meat section and look at the isles and think .. no i want to get something better than well, processed foods. A light goes off in my head and i pick up a bag of raisins and get some celery. I know we have peanut butter at home ! We go home put the baby down for a nap have snack building in teh kitchen, the kids love it!! I realize that our diet is changing, the last time I went through a grocery store without buying .. well crap chocolate, chips, pop.. well its been a while.

Last stop on the way home, the gas station to pick up 2 Dr peppers, one for today cause im craving it and haven't had ANY  pop today ! and the other is for tomorrow, We have decoded that when we move we will not buy pop to have in the house, for now I'm going to try and stay strong at one a day, then move to one can a day then every 2 days, until I phase it out almost completely. All in all it was a great day i feel like i overcame a huge emotional barrier .. or at least got a leg up on it. Thanks to those of you who comment and send me facebook messages it really helps me stay strong:)

Well im off to download week 2 now :0

My After thoughts

1:30 pm....... 
As it turns out i will probably blog everyday, just because there is so much emotional joys and struggles that come with this. I do find that after a good sleep my head is swirling with these emotions. They are also a part of this journey I did not anticipate and I am pretty darn sure that the joys and struggles ill only get bigger.

A really big thing for me is that the people in my life that I want the support from seem to support me the least, and it is not that they don't support me they just choose not to express it. I guess it comes down to my insecurities and seeking approval from these people, My mind knows that i need no ones approval, but my heart says otherwise. I asked one of these people if they wanted to come try running with me, I thought it would be fun. I got a nonchalant nothing answer as though I asked them to watch a 2 min commercial.I really don't care if they said yes or no but more than 2 seconds of nothing would have been nice.  Ick, tears are welling up now I just want this person specifically to say, I'm proud of you. I know that may never happen, it could but i cannot set myself up for any disappointment. I really want these people to be a part of this deeply deeply important part of my life. I sit here in awe of the emotion that my weight has accumulated, from the very first comment when i was 10 from a family member at a family Christmas party" wow you've put on a few pounds this year" all the way to walking out of the gym last night with my head held high. All this being said I wouldn't trade these people for the world, especially the one mentioned above as they are the person I learned determination from. I am proud of that too. I may be back later with more but my emotions have overcome me a bit and I need a break.

Thanks again to those who comment I read through them every-time I start to feel like i cant do this :)

9pm...

I plan to run at the rec center again tomorrow and i am sooo excited !! i love the treadmill there!! I cant believe I'm excited to run. I forgot to mention that when i ran yesterday, again it wasn't time to stress or worry or think about other things, its nothing but adrenaline it has a very pure and primal feeling to it and I really do love it. On the down side, my husband seems to be struggling with looking after the kids without me coming home to a complete disaster, today i told him if i have to hire a sitter for 3 hours a week I will. It really has become that important to me. I really hope i don't have to resort to that. I have a line or two on manual treadmills and maybe i could have one in my home. but then i may want to run everyday and i'm pretty sure my body is not ready for that, but i will do what i must.

On my facebook page I had a comment about not hurting myself to prove a point, I really want everyone around me to know that for the first time in my life I am ready to do this and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I am so early into this adventure but already i know that it is changing my life for the better and my self esteem. I am hoping that i can loose 30-40 pounds by Christmastime. I am officially out of pop and will do everything i can to keep my consumption of it down starting with not buying cases and cubes of it. When I am out and about one is okay but i cannot continue this, its so unhealthy for my body. As an added bonus not consuming 24 cans of pop every 4 days I'm sure will help with the weight loss as well, even more important once i get past the caffeine withdrawal my body will feel better too !I am also moving on the first of October, this will prove a challenge to keep up the running in between houses, i know i can do it, by then i will be on week 4 or 5 i think. I am happy to say that for the first time in a long long time, I am a priority in my own life :)