As it turns out i will probably blog everyday, just because there is so much emotional joys and struggles that come with this. I do find that after a good sleep my head is swirling with these emotions. They are also a part of this journey I did not anticipate and I am pretty darn sure that the joys and struggles ill only get bigger.
A really big thing for me is that the people in my life that I want the support from seem to support me the least, and it is not that they don't support me they just choose not to express it. I guess it comes down to my insecurities and seeking approval from these people, My mind knows that i need no ones approval, but my heart says otherwise. I asked one of these people if they wanted to come try running with me, I thought it would be fun. I got a nonchalant nothing answer as though I asked them to watch a 2 min commercial.I really don't care if they said yes or no but more than 2 seconds of nothing would have been nice. Ick, tears are welling up now I just want this person specifically to say, I'm proud of you. I know that may never happen, it could but i cannot set myself up for any disappointment. I really want these people to be a part of this deeply deeply important part of my life. I sit here in awe of the emotion that my weight has accumulated, from the very first comment when i was 10 from a family member at a family Christmas party" wow you've put on a few pounds this year" all the way to walking out of the gym last night with my head held high. All this being said I wouldn't trade these people for the world, especially the one mentioned above as they are the person I learned determination from. I am proud of that too. I may be back later with more but my emotions have overcome me a bit and I need a break.
Thanks again to those who comment I read through them every-time I start to feel like i cant do this :)
I plan to run at the rec center again tomorrow and i am sooo excited !! i love the treadmill there!! I cant believe I'm excited to run. I forgot to mention that when i ran yesterday, again it wasn't time to stress or worry or think about other things, its nothing but adrenaline it has a very pure and primal feeling to it and I really do love it. On the down side, my husband seems to be struggling with looking after the kids without me coming home to a complete disaster, today i told him if i have to hire a sitter for 3 hours a week I will. It really has become that important to me. I really hope i don't have to resort to that. I have a line or two on manual treadmills and maybe i could have one in my home. but then i may want to run everyday and i'm pretty sure my body is not ready for that, but i will do what i must.
On my facebook page I had a comment about not hurting myself to prove a point, I really want everyone around me to know that for the first time in my life I am ready to do this and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I am so early into this adventure but already i know that it is changing my life for the better and my self esteem. I am hoping that i can loose 30-40 pounds by Christmastime. I am officially out of pop and will do everything i can to keep my consumption of it down starting with not buying cases and cubes of it. When I am out and about one is okay but i cannot continue this, its so unhealthy for my body. As an added bonus not consuming 24 cans of pop every 4 days I'm sure will help with the weight loss as well, even more important once i get past the caffeine withdrawal my body will feel better too !I am also moving on the first of October, this will prove a challenge to keep up the running in between houses, i know i can do it, by then i will be on week 4 or 5 i think. I am happy to say that for the first time in a long long time, I am a priority in my own life :)