Saturday, September 11, 2010

My new Love

Last night I ran with K* my running buddy in the fitness room of my local rec center. This is the first time I have ever been on a tread mill!!! When you go the change room you have to pass the fitness room, we look in and sure enough 2 young guys ( I'm guessing 18?) are inside we both immediately start to giggle.OH MY!! i am very self conscious and have decided to wear a yoga top that i bought at wal-mart and wow is it ever unattractive, but really a lot better for running.  Once we got into the change room, a very pretty thin lady was getting ready to go swimming. *K and i are getting ourselves ready and we are giggling and chatting in the rather boisterous voices that we have.... K pulls out her camera and says we don't need this!!  WHAT ??? heck yeah we do !!! I have been debating a photo of me so I have a reference point later ... but ick ... I would like a okay picture of me... we start to do the take a pic of yourself and your friends heads deal and the very nice lady offers to take the picture, with a smile. We chat for a minute and I she said that what we are doing is great ! When we first entered I recall looking at her and thinking... she doesn't look like a very nice person at all. I know for a fact that I as well as many other larger people suffer from the * Your skinnier than I am therefor i must find something about you I can criticize*. I have known that i have this insecurity for a long time, actually admitting to myself is really quite hard. this journey has brought a lot of things forward and I know there are still demons to come out and I know I can get through this. Anyways, we enter the fitness room and I had decided on the attitude that yes I am fat, but i can do something about that, and I am. The reason that i put that particular sentence in bold is because i actually stopped typing, that is a a really hard thing to put out there like that. That being said those 3 words do not define me, at all... the words that I have decided will define me are YES I CAN !! I really want my kids especially my daughters to remeber that their mom was strong enough to find the beast that is obesity and kick its butt ! and really that their mom could do anything no matter what anyone said. Okay ive run off on a few tangents back on track ...

Luckily the treadmills face a window and they young guys were behind us so I need not give them another thought, except for when one of them dropped a weight i heard it over my ear-buds and then heard the one guy swear.
I have officially gone from my exact words of "Melissa Doesn't RUN" to Melissa needs a treadmill... what a rush, I must say i now feel that my efforts on the 8th were not what I wanted yesterday I gave 100%. And as a little extra got a free adrenaline rush!! I love that there are actually numbers I can see, i know how long I have left, I know that my brisk walk was a 5 and my run was 7 -8 and I love trying harder and harder!! my last 60 second run I pushed it to 8.5 thinking i can do this, when I finished my last 60 second run I clenched my fists and shook them in front of me in my very own self cheer. When I got off , My legs felt like i just got off a boat and i had to stop cause my head was a bit spinney But I must say with a lot of pride, I walked into that room avoiding eye contact with anyone else but K , but when I walked out my head was high. Yes I can !!!

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