Monday, October 11, 2010

its been too long ... far far too long

well thanks to a very very good friend who poked and prodded me until I ran, So with my youngest child sleeping and my husband at home, I ran outside. I couldn't find my ear-buds, my sports bra and couldn't figure out how to take my water bottle, so I left it. It started out well enough. I couldn't wait to get past the first 5 min walk but i slowed my first run with 15 seconds left to run, out of the six 90 second intervals i can honestly only say that i was able to run for 2. Better 2 than none right ? running outdoors was a nice change, the feeling of going somewhere was a bit invigorating. the pain in my side returned and I struggled to run past it. Thankfully there was only one small hill and it didn't cause too much trouble. My girls had a mind of their own and i defiantly got some looks from people driving by and not to mention the soreness in my chest. when I got home i felt like crap a big pile of crap, my legs felt like id ran a marathon, my whole body was like jello. On that run i wished id had my water bottle. I am disappointed in my efforts in a way that i know i would have ran harder on a treadmill but I am thankful and a bit proud that I did it. So on this Canadian thanksgiving, I want to say that I am soo thankful for the people that have supported me and continue to do so. Happy thanksgiving !

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Feeling better

I admit, i missed another run yesterday, but i am glad I did. For those who don't know me I am in the process of moving, also i got my period and am defiantly fighting off the bug my son had for 2 days. Last night I actually took Gravol and am glad that I did. I have however seemed to renew my comitment and have more control over my eating habits. I bought a case of diet Dr pepper and am only drinking tops 2 cans a day and i dont feel as though I am depriving myself, I have cut out my one cup of coffee a day ( usually with 3 or 4 teaspoons of sugar) and that probably makes up for the pop. I am going to try my darndest to run tonight, i really want to and need to.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Why am I doing this ?

It has occurred to me that a large part of the reason i am doing this is in the hopes that it will make me important to someone, and I know it will but probably not in the way I originally intended. If you treat me like crap now and then I get thin, what will change ? and if you treat me differently do I want you in my life? Probably not. I guess the harsh reality is that under my uber positive exterior is a very insecure person who feels worthless and I attribute that to my weight. This is affecting every inch of my life and not in ways that I like, I notice that effects my marriage, a lot ! I seem to have built a wall around myself, i dot know if I can bring it down, its funny ( well not really) that writing this actually makes me feel bad I see what I am doing to my life and I know who can stop it, I just feel helpless on the inside. I hope one day i can help myself, but right now I don't know how and when, if i even can.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Yes I still can ...

I've been neglecting my running between lack of motivation, sick kids and being completely overwhelmed with our move and stress. However after much poking and prodding of my wonderful husband he made me go to the gym. It took 4 trips from the car to house to make sure i had everything in my bag. I get changed and go into the weight room and the treadmill that I usually use is the only one empty, the fit man to my left tells me it keeps reading error. After 2 1/2 min and some help from the nice man beside me helped me turn it off and back on. I had a lot of pain in my calf from not running regularly and it was a bit worse than it normally is. I finished my run by the skin of my rear. and get changed, i take my water and my journal, and go to the hot tub,feeling quite accomplished i might add. I always write my thoughts down directly after i run then translate it here. Usually only keeping my most inner secrets and feelings to myself. Today I have decided to include all of my thoughts today as they were quite a lot to handle. Here it is ....

No one tells you that it is really you who has defeated yourself- and that you will be your biggest challenge to overcome, that regardless of stress, finances, kids, jobs and commitments inevitably it will be you that has to kick your own ass.No one can convince you to run past the pain in your calves, NO that has to be you. If we believed in ourselves what would we teach our children, and I mean really truly and remarkably believed in ourselves. what would I have done differently growing up ? would I have tried in gym class? would I have had an example to follow? I plan to find out from my girls when they are grown. whether I am fat or skinny my girls will have great role model who believed she could.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I am miserable, Its crappy weather, I'm tired its gray outside, my period comes in a week oh did I mention I feel like crap ? I got dressed this morning and I look pregnant :( The only reason I'm not crying as I type is because my 4 year old is beside me. I have a runny nose and a cough and I think I'm getting sick, when I walked my son to school i couldn't wear a jacket cause all mine are in storage and the other 3 adult in my home are all smaller than me. I want to sleep, and i want to go to bed before 12. I am a mess today and I really don't know if i will recover. I am a puddle on the floor. Right now I can't, and i don't feel like it will turn around anytime soon.

A miserable end of a Miserable day

A terrible end to my day, i started to run and immediately my toes started to burn, OMG flaming death. I made it through 4 of the 6 runs, running faster than normal but the pain was too intense so 20 minutes in, I stopped. I went into the change room feeling like pure crap. I should have taken 2 min then marched my sorry butt back in there but after my day I couldn't. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So defeated I got into my bathing suit and sat in the hot tub. I have never felt so S***ty in my whole life. I am starting to feel that I am getting burned out, maybe I just have too much stress, maybe its because I'm getting my period, I just don't know. I am struggling with my return to the gym, ALOT ! I think its time to call in for back up and have someone come with me.  I am so scared that this could be the beginning of my end, I am not ready for this journey to end. When do I return? I am debating tomorrow because I fear that if i don't return soon that I won't return. I am sad, frustrated and disappointed with myself. All I can think is I failed, will this be a bump in the road or the catalyst that started the end.
A better question.. WHY DO MY SHOES BURN MY FEET SO DAMN BAD ?? I really wish I knew :(
My eating habits have gone down the crapper too, I am just hungry a lot, and I feel like crap when I eat crap but my body seems to think I neeedddd that !!!I guess I just feel like my life is really unbalanced, I feel that so much has spiraled out of control in the last 3 days. I am still on the couch to 5K program I am still on the couch and I should be ending week three .. FAIL !! ick !!!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ready to Run


Ive been struggling the last week the weather has been really gray and it affecting me. Today is a running day and I have not been looking forward to it, I don't know why cause when I'm done i usually feel great. Anyways I decide at random to hop on the scale, and to my VERY VERY large surprise, I'm down to 285.6 SWEEEETTTTT!!  Almost 3 weeks ago I hopped on and it read 290.8 ... WAHOOOO !! I cant wait to run tonight !! I am starting to feel that the day is coming when someone who doesn't know I'm trying looks at me and says... "have you lost weight ?" then I can say why yes I have ;) I really feel that loosing 30 pounds by Christmas is possible!! Oh wait its only 25 now :) that's 95 days to loose 25pounds .. hell yeah I can do that !!!


I just got home from an evening run at the gym, I still can't believe that I am okay walking into a gym full or men various ages and conditions and I'm okay with that. I felt good putting my tank on knowing that I've lost 5 pounds, I'm sure I make very little difference on the outside. But I feel good. A man ran beside me and he ran FAST!! I found myself feeling sluggish at the speeds I usually run at, so I ran a full decimal point faster, I usually run at a 7 or 7.2 tops and today I ran at 7.9 but more often 8.4 !! I guess the results are motivating, or maybe it was the guy beside me. I don't really care which It was a good feeling. I must admit though at about 1/2 way my roll around my center hit the stop button by accident. My feet are tired and my calves are a bit sore but I didn't take my normal dip in the hot-tub so I hope that it will work its self out when I go to bed. Thanks so much for everyone who has and continues to support me in my journey, your positive comments and messages mean a lot to me thanks :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I will survive

Well, today was the official 2nd day of week two and day one was a brew-ha-ha. I really felt more like flying to the moon than running, however, running unlike flying to the moon is not optional. So we packed swimming stuff for the kids and all went to the rec center. After a good deal of stress, i got the husband and kids off to the pool, And me headed toward the treadmill. I feel better and better walking in there. For the first time in a very very long time I am comfortable in my own skin. i know i am not think and not in shape but damn it I can do that !! I immediately get on my favorite treadmill and start my podcast. I am intimidated by this particular podcast as it kicked my butt a bit last time( okay a lot bit). so i do warm up and feel like its the longest 5 min of my life. As I am walking an older man .. maybe 50 gets in the one beside me, just to be clear i could poke this man in the eye he is that close, He is in very good shape and in a race, i would defiantly be the tortoise, not the hare, better the tortoise than an onlooker though. I realize that i am not intimidated by this man at all, I know where my fitness level lies and right now im okay with that. Better to be here struggling to run for 90 second intervals than on my couch eating chips. I watch him a bit as I really want to be good at this and notice that his form is much more runner-esk than mine, his knees are raised higher and he runs one heck of a lot faster, I'm okay with that I figure all in good time. I do realize that breathing properly is more difficult and after the 90 seconds it takes 20-30 to get my breathing back to normal. I wonder who I should ask about this ? Also two treadmills over is the lady that too a picture of me and K on our first week, she smiles, I wonder has she read this and does she think less of me ? I hope not. on my second of 5 or 6 intervals my right calf is in a lot of pain, but n the bright side my feet are much happier in my indoor shoes. I tried to run through the pain but the truth is while it subsided it did not go away completely. during my 90s intervals the last 10- 15s i had to slow down a touch, but i didn't stop running. That's a place to start. I have one day left of week two but i think i will run it twice more just till i'm more comfortable.

Getting out of the pool after was sheer chaos and i almost had a complete breakdown/ freak out. A large stress was lifter off of us today but I know that there is more to come. We will be moving soon and that means a different gym, i wonder will I be so confident in a different gym ? will it hurt my confidence ? I am going to try and not let it !! Also a good friend of mine mention that she was interested in aqua fit classes, so i think i will hit her up on that and do that too !!! I noticed today that my pants do feel bigger in the waist and my breasts seem to fit a lot better in my bras. Ya never know maybe one day I will be able to wear a bra not from a specialty store !! that would be great !!! that'll be the day :)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

YES I CAN .... Recover

Well after some much needed sleep, I feel much more able to handle the emotions that poured out last night with my struggle as I ran. I know that I will overcome this and many more, but saying that and doing it are two very very different things. The raw open wound that was once a blister is still very sore and very red, the other foot has recovered almost completely. I noticed today that my body seems to think itself very hungry and very tired. However life with 3 kids you do not get to stop and sleep and eat and recover. The stress in my household has become very stressful lately and I feel that weighing on me a lot. I worry that if i cannot change this situation that I will become very miserable and it will be very hard to continue. I worry about so much I am worried that in my life I have bitten off more than I can chew. I really want to go run just as an emotional escape from the chaos that is my life.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Burning feet of doom !!

So today, after much deliberation I went and bought the second pair of shoes for inside. I ended up buying the exact same style in a different color, even though esthetically i liked them less but they just fit better. My shoes are Nike airs and no air no love !!  So I was very fortunate to have my running buddy with me, to officially start week two. I really must say it was the hardest run so far, when i looked at the overviews I thought yeah week one run 60 seconds OK .. week two run 90 seconds yeah that sounds reasonable. Or not, it killed my feet my toes were burning and chaos and AHHHH! I think the run would have been okay if it weren't for my feet. It was really the hardest emotional battle i have encountered yet, Halfway through, i had to literally chant out loud I can do this i can do this, I'm halfway done i can do this, yes i can. I didn't care that there was another person in the gym, I really was scared that I was going to fail miserably, I didnt think about letting anyone down just the though of failure pushed me to finish, The last 2 min of my walk i was hold back tears from the pain in my feet ! As the treadmill stopped I got off and sat on the end with my feet just burning and throbbing, I couldn't believe it 2 days ago I was on top of the world and now i sit here inches from failure, what happened ? I guess it was time for my body to take my ego down a few pegs.I am worried that the motivation will not be there to run on Sunday. But I have to !!

I think now when I die ( i know morbid thought) I want to be known as the woman that fought and won her battle with obesity, I want my kids to learn by example, to be healthy not to eat for any reason but nourishment. I want treats to be special time with mom and dad. I love my kids and I don't want this struggle with this ever, and I want them to be proud of me. I don't want them to grow up in school and their teachers recognize me by my size or their classmates tease them because their mom is fat. I don't want to be trapped in my own body anymore.

I have been meaning to take my measurements as I know I have lost a few inches, I can tell by the way that my pants fit. I am a little scared that I could loose this battle, but that needs to be not an option. I am empowered today but not nearly as much as I normally after a run. I feel more exhausted as though I just fought an epic battle and won by the skin of my arse.  I must remember I CAN !!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I love my shoes :)

So the day started out with my 2 least favourite activities, weighing myself and buying shoes, I am now down to 189.2 hooray !!! that was a good start. I go to mallards sports to look at running shoes,  WHOLY FREAKIN STICKER SHOCK !!!! have you seen the price of a good pair ?? they start at 100 and go wayyyyy up from there, i figured i could find a pair for 60.00 yeah right LOL anyways i go into this store and the young girl that helps me looks very unenthused about her job, shes nice but clearly doesnt wanna be there ICK, I try on about 5 pairs of shoes and decided that I like the nikes best as they fit wider, the ones i like are 129.99 OMGosh, then add HST there goes another 15.00 .. theese are now 150.00dollar running shoes. I am really weary of spending this much money on shoes, really quite alot actually. So i tell her I have to think about itand i might be back. I meet up with my husband and we go the next city over and go to athletes world. I didn't wanna do this, my mind says i am not an athlete at all ! However upon entering and starting too look at shoes a young but super super helpful friendly enthusiastic sales lady. She brings me probablly 8 pairs of shoes and i choose one pair 99.99 thats not too bad and if I choose to buy a second pair in the next 7 days i take in my reciept and i will get 1/2 off!!  SWEET!! I might do this cause your not supposed to wear outdoor shoes in the gym. We will see though.

As for my run, I went to the rec center again as I really love the treadmill. I walk past the gym door ( wich is glass) there is one man in there in his late 30's and average looking, immediatly I smile :) this is good, I get through the change room and walk past him and smile. I stop at the treadmill and get my MP3 ready, CRAP the week 2 podcast is missing, Oh well im here to run so I ran week one on a 1% incline. Now I believe that everything happens for a reason and I have been pretty nervous about uping the anty. However running the week one podcast with my new runners i rocked it !!!!!! It seemed to pass too fast and that makes me a bit sad I actually was comfortable enough to read the closed vaption on the news! Although I wore thin ankle socks and halfway through and my shoe rubbed my ankle pretty bad. I was still able to finish my run and it will be okay by morning. The pain in my chest didnt return and the pain in my calf I was able to run through.  My one leg was a bit sore but i think thats because of overcompensating because of the blister.

After I got off the treadmill I felt amazing, with sweat pouring down my face I realised that the people had changed but I could care less. I felt great !! I go back the the change room to shower as i will not have time and we are going to a friends house for dinner. I am suddenly a little concerned, now we are talking about showering in a semi public place. ICK my husband threw in a towel and its not a large one so i cover what i can of myself and go to the shower. The screaming hot shower feels great ! I can feel something pouring off my body with the hot water, i dont know if it was energy or stress or pain, but it felt sooo good. I finish my shower not wanting to leave the hot water and get myself changed. My husband the sweetheart that he is packed me and extra pair of underpants without me asking. I go outside and wait for him to pick me up in teh sunshine i write in my personal journal and debate my newfound love for running.

here are some of my thoughts on running. First of all I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie and well its a huge rush !! You just feel like your on top of the world its amazing !! there is an energy that hits about 7 or 8 minutes in when you get past the pain, the energy is primal and instinctive. Its such a pure feeling, its liek what your doing is exactly what you should, your body takes over and your head just focuses on the sweat pouring down your forehead and the sound of your feet hitting the ground. Its really very very inspiring. I can honestly say that I inspire myself. I love that my feet take over and my mind gets a break. I love running, and i love my shoes too. To me the shoes really represent the level of seriousness I have invested in me. Its great to put myself on the priority list. A huge thanks to everyone who has supported me, with words of encouragement, the words really do build up in my heart. thank you all sooo much.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The dilemma of the shoes

Well, needless to say that after a week of running and 4 days of walking my son to school and back home , then the same to pick him up. I have learned that my 10$ Wal-mart runners really aren't doing it. My 2 littlest toes on my left foot are raw, not even blistered. I noticed in my last run that my calves hurt, i wonder if its my posture or something I'm doing or it very well could be the lack of support in my shoes. So tomorrow I am going to buy running shoes, Ick another situation where I feel awkward but what the hey its cant be that bad after-all. I have to weigh myself and while i don't expect any loss id really like to see any. Also it has been brought to mt attention that i should keep track of inches, so tomorrow morning i will once again weigh in and measure. I am starting to struggle with cutting down on the pop and its getting harder and harder. I must remember that I CAN !!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Bag O Poo

That's right, today i feel like a bag of poo. i am just really tired :( I think it may have been my time in the pool after my run that's kicking the crap out of me today. I am dreading walking my son to school and then walking home with my girls (4 and 17months) then walking back down with the girls and picking up my son and all of us walking back. i know this is nothing compared to the run i undertook yesterday but, ick. I guess I'm just having one of  those days. I'm really hoping that I can secure a treadmill for home soon so i can run at home. Oh well i guess it would be better if i got one closer to or after, when we have our own place. Then i can run while the baby naps. What a dream that would be ;) ell the sky is turning blue with lovley fluffy clouds so i guess its time to get everyone ready to walk.


I did my walking today and it was a good solid 30 minutes each round, but it was good. Exercise defiantly helps your mood. I think Ive hit a switch though it seems as though since i started this journey even a 30 min walk makes me sweat. On the first run to the school I wore goomba ( my 17 month old) on my back. My head somehow feels clearer after a walk or run. On the way out the door to pick my son up I grabbed some change just in case i couldn't live without a pop on the way. I also took a large kanteen of water, the kanteen is empty and the change is still in my pocket though ! I do have a Dr pepper in the fridge to have with dinner. That's my pop strategy, one a day. Last night my pop at dinner lasted me until midnight and we at at 6:30. I feel good. All in all my calves are sore but I feel really good.

9:30 pm ......

Ive had my doctor pepper and I am craving another, ALOT ! I have one in the fridge for tomorrow but instead I am drinking mint tea. Its actually pretty darn good. I went to the grocery store to get some nut free granola bars and i picked up some skim milk and special K for breakfast. I know i have to eat 3 meals a day and sometimes that's a struggle. I really hope that I can get a handle on all of this. i am struggling with whats better to cut down on carbs or calories ?.. I really love carbs and think a balance of both is a better choice. I am not counting calories at this point but I know that may come in the future. The cereal is lower than the rest on the shelf in carbs and the milk is lower in fat. Im really concerned that by learning more about nutrition I will learn that I am making awful choices.. And to top it all off I have no Idea where to start... Sigh ... I must remember slowly but surely

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The End of the begininng

Well week one is offically over! I complete my last run of week one at the rec center, but it was not without its bumps.

On the previous night I decided I would run at the rec center at 10am, my husband would drop me off and pick me up an hour later. I get out and tell my husband to wait 2 min in case the fitness room is closed. Well the whole place is closed !! till 1.. so i resolve to come back later!
My husband and kids came with me and swam in the pool while I ran, My husband took the kids to get changed I went to the ladies room to get my running gear on. I get to the change room and realize that I have left my runners in the car, I go back out to get them and return to the change room and get changed, I grab my water, my MP3 player and get to the glass door of the fitness room .... Every single treadmill is occupied... oh nooo ! And to top it off there are 8- 10 people in there. I return to the change room.What am I going to do ? people ? running in public? my pride says "F that!" I sit for 5 min and talk myself out of my self defeat to go and do what i gotta do.

Sure enough when I get back one tread mill is empty, Of course its the different one, so i hope its similar to use. I get on and start my walk, there is a guy directly beside me and I really wanna look at him but feel it ould be rude, but i can see his arms. His arms are well built and have a tattoo of an arm band, all i can think is hes probably young and hot and here's my fat but running beside him, i am soooo out of place.

By my second running revolution  my calves start to hurt, usually its the pain under my ribs on the right side, not today, needless to say id rather the chest pain ( although the calf pain scares me less). I keep telling myself that I can run through it, the pain lasted 3 or 4 revolutions. And I did run through it, because I CAN!! As I run I peek at the guy beside me and the girl on the stationary bike to my left. I am very surprised when i realize that the man beside me is at least 40 and the girl is pretty and slim but not creepy thin. A man gets on another now vacant treadmill and he is short, with a shaved head and not a thin man. Suddenly it hits me I BELONG HERE !!  the only person who thinks twice about my presence here is me ! Everyone else could care less.I feel pretty darn good about this I must admit.

I realized halfway through my run that an old cotton tank top with lace edging is not a good choice, the yoga tank top that i am very self conscious about wearing was a much better choice!

While leaving with my family, a lady is sitting in the foyer its the lady that took my and K's picture 2 days ago :) we chat and I tell her about my blog and how to find it. I hope that if she finds it and reads it, that she is not offended by my comment about her looking not very friendly, That was my problem not hers. I wonder how many people I have alienated in my life out of sheer jelousy. If anyone I have ever done this to reads this .. I am so sorry. We get into our mini van and i learn that my husband told the kids if they were good in the change room they could have a special treat. this is a parenting tactic we use a lot, and the treat usually equates to food. I realize that I have to stop this, I need to make sure that my kids have healthy eating habits. This is not good and as parents we will be talking about it tonight. He wants us to go to dairy queen, I kibosh that right away !! no way !! I stop at the grocery store and steer away from the bread and cake type section and towards produce, I buy some red delicious apples ( my kids eat at least one a day) they are one sale and a beautiful deep red. i cruise down the meat section and look at the isles and think .. no i want to get something better than well, processed foods. A light goes off in my head and i pick up a bag of raisins and get some celery. I know we have peanut butter at home ! We go home put the baby down for a nap have snack building in teh kitchen, the kids love it!! I realize that our diet is changing, the last time I went through a grocery store without buying .. well crap chocolate, chips, pop.. well its been a while.

Last stop on the way home, the gas station to pick up 2 Dr peppers, one for today cause im craving it and haven't had ANY  pop today ! and the other is for tomorrow, We have decoded that when we move we will not buy pop to have in the house, for now I'm going to try and stay strong at one a day, then move to one can a day then every 2 days, until I phase it out almost completely. All in all it was a great day i feel like i overcame a huge emotional barrier .. or at least got a leg up on it. Thanks to those of you who comment and send me facebook messages it really helps me stay strong:)

Well im off to download week 2 now :0

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My After thoughts

1:30 pm....... 
As it turns out i will probably blog everyday, just because there is so much emotional joys and struggles that come with this. I do find that after a good sleep my head is swirling with these emotions. They are also a part of this journey I did not anticipate and I am pretty darn sure that the joys and struggles ill only get bigger.

A really big thing for me is that the people in my life that I want the support from seem to support me the least, and it is not that they don't support me they just choose not to express it. I guess it comes down to my insecurities and seeking approval from these people, My mind knows that i need no ones approval, but my heart says otherwise. I asked one of these people if they wanted to come try running with me, I thought it would be fun. I got a nonchalant nothing answer as though I asked them to watch a 2 min commercial.I really don't care if they said yes or no but more than 2 seconds of nothing would have been nice.  Ick, tears are welling up now I just want this person specifically to say, I'm proud of you. I know that may never happen, it could but i cannot set myself up for any disappointment. I really want these people to be a part of this deeply deeply important part of my life. I sit here in awe of the emotion that my weight has accumulated, from the very first comment when i was 10 from a family member at a family Christmas party" wow you've put on a few pounds this year" all the way to walking out of the gym last night with my head held high. All this being said I wouldn't trade these people for the world, especially the one mentioned above as they are the person I learned determination from. I am proud of that too. I may be back later with more but my emotions have overcome me a bit and I need a break.

Thanks again to those who comment I read through them every-time I start to feel like i cant do this :)


I plan to run at the rec center again tomorrow and i am sooo excited !! i love the treadmill there!! I cant believe I'm excited to run. I forgot to mention that when i ran yesterday, again it wasn't time to stress or worry or think about other things, its nothing but adrenaline it has a very pure and primal feeling to it and I really do love it. On the down side, my husband seems to be struggling with looking after the kids without me coming home to a complete disaster, today i told him if i have to hire a sitter for 3 hours a week I will. It really has become that important to me. I really hope i don't have to resort to that. I have a line or two on manual treadmills and maybe i could have one in my home. but then i may want to run everyday and i'm pretty sure my body is not ready for that, but i will do what i must.

On my facebook page I had a comment about not hurting myself to prove a point, I really want everyone around me to know that for the first time in my life I am ready to do this and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I am so early into this adventure but already i know that it is changing my life for the better and my self esteem. I am hoping that i can loose 30-40 pounds by Christmastime. I am officially out of pop and will do everything i can to keep my consumption of it down starting with not buying cases and cubes of it. When I am out and about one is okay but i cannot continue this, its so unhealthy for my body. As an added bonus not consuming 24 cans of pop every 4 days I'm sure will help with the weight loss as well, even more important once i get past the caffeine withdrawal my body will feel better too !I am also moving on the first of October, this will prove a challenge to keep up the running in between houses, i know i can do it, by then i will be on week 4 or 5 i think. I am happy to say that for the first time in a long long time, I am a priority in my own life :)

My new Love

Last night I ran with K* my running buddy in the fitness room of my local rec center. This is the first time I have ever been on a tread mill!!! When you go the change room you have to pass the fitness room, we look in and sure enough 2 young guys ( I'm guessing 18?) are inside we both immediately start to giggle.OH MY!! i am very self conscious and have decided to wear a yoga top that i bought at wal-mart and wow is it ever unattractive, but really a lot better for running.  Once we got into the change room, a very pretty thin lady was getting ready to go swimming. *K and i are getting ourselves ready and we are giggling and chatting in the rather boisterous voices that we have.... K pulls out her camera and says we don't need this!!  WHAT ??? heck yeah we do !!! I have been debating a photo of me so I have a reference point later ... but ick ... I would like a okay picture of me... we start to do the take a pic of yourself and your friends heads deal and the very nice lady offers to take the picture, with a smile. We chat for a minute and I she said that what we are doing is great ! When we first entered I recall looking at her and thinking... she doesn't look like a very nice person at all. I know for a fact that I as well as many other larger people suffer from the * Your skinnier than I am therefor i must find something about you I can criticize*. I have known that i have this insecurity for a long time, actually admitting to myself is really quite hard. this journey has brought a lot of things forward and I know there are still demons to come out and I know I can get through this. Anyways, we enter the fitness room and I had decided on the attitude that yes I am fat, but i can do something about that, and I am. The reason that i put that particular sentence in bold is because i actually stopped typing, that is a a really hard thing to put out there like that. That being said those 3 words do not define me, at all... the words that I have decided will define me are YES I CAN !! I really want my kids especially my daughters to remeber that their mom was strong enough to find the beast that is obesity and kick its butt ! and really that their mom could do anything no matter what anyone said. Okay ive run off on a few tangents back on track ...

Luckily the treadmills face a window and they young guys were behind us so I need not give them another thought, except for when one of them dropped a weight i heard it over my ear-buds and then heard the one guy swear.
I have officially gone from my exact words of "Melissa Doesn't RUN" to Melissa needs a treadmill... what a rush, I must say i now feel that my efforts on the 8th were not what I wanted yesterday I gave 100%. And as a little extra got a free adrenaline rush!! I love that there are actually numbers I can see, i know how long I have left, I know that my brisk walk was a 5 and my run was 7 -8 and I love trying harder and harder!! my last 60 second run I pushed it to 8.5 thinking i can do this, when I finished my last 60 second run I clenched my fists and shook them in front of me in my very own self cheer. When I got off , My legs felt like i just got off a boat and i had to stop cause my head was a bit spinney But I must say with a lot of pride, I walked into that room avoiding eye contact with anyone else but K , but when I walked out my head was high. Yes I can !!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

After thoughts

5am ...... 
I have had a great many friends and family message me with support and encouragement, THANK YOU! i know that there will be weeks where it is your strength that keeps me going. It has occurred to me that this will affect more in my life than planned. For example i am awake at 5am and this is the first time tonight. My older daughter came into my room to snuggle. Normally by now I have been up and down several times by now, however today I know that the only reason I am up is because she woke me up.
Also my 2 little toes are stupidly itchy and its making me crazy !!! im off to bed now with a glass of water and a cough drop ( a Dr Pepper is tempting but i must pass) Side note I have decided that I will weigh myself in the morning.

My legs are a little jello-ey but I'm not sore, I slept well for the first time in a long long time !

5pm .....
I did a fair amount of walking today and my calves are a bit sore. My husband works tomorrow so I either need to figure out how to run in the day time with my 3 kids or do it at night .. maybe at the rec center at the gym ? hmmmm

9pm .....

I have been dreading my run tomorrow all day, but at the same time knowing that i can not back out of it. I really feel that its do or die, its time to loose the weight from 3 babys and a whole lot of stress.I have also been keeping a closer eye on what i eat, water with dinner ( not pop) and yogurt for dessert, not ice cream :) I am frustrated that i have had 3 cans of pop today, why am i putting myself through the work to pump my body full of crap? ICK well 3 is better than the usual 5-6 i guess. I have been thinking about starting some research about calories and sugars and fats ... there is just sooo much to learn and every book and every trainer seems to have a different idea about what the best approach is. I am so overwhelmed with this i am leaving it for now, and continuing to cut down on the obviously bad crap! I tend to take too much on then fail miserably ... I have soo many ideas .. but i have to start small :) i fear that if i fail I will not be able to get the motivation together to do this again, I will battle to the death with this, if that's what it takes.

On the bright side my running buddy is coming to my city and tomorrow and we are going to the rec center gym to use the treadmills. I think i have used a treadmill once before in my life and may have to ask for instruction. I am nervous of running in-front of people, i am okay with K my running buddy .. but what if someone else is there ? will they be as critical of my bouncing girls and rolls as i am ?  I have no idea, but i look forward to the day when i can go somewhere public in something good for running and not be scared of what i look like. As i type my thoughts I feel stronger and stronger .. YES I CAN!!! i cant wait one day i will look at my self in the mirror and not lie to myself about being okay with they way i look, and its coming. I am finding that I enjoy this and will probably keep it up.

Last Addition for the day, i have spent less time on the laptop than normal today and I want to keep that up:) and as I read my own words I almost want to cry, I really truly feel that I CAN and that is really empowering especially after so many times of trying to convince myself, I just know I CAN

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My Very First Run

Well, ive decided that i am starting my weight loss journey, I know I have struggles coming but I have to. Last week I stepped on a scale I weighed 290 pounds !! When i graduated i wore a size 10/12 prom dress.. now i struggle to find a size 22 that fits and i am only 26 years old. I dont think im ugly and never have.. but when i turn sideways it makes me sad  :(  Today was my very first day and I would like to record my journey for myself and others.

I have decided to start with Couch to 5K, its supposed to take me from my comfy couch to running 5K in 9 weeks. There are 9 weeks of podcast that you download onto your MP3 player and then follow the instructions. I have only looked at the overview of week one ... walk for 5 min, run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 seconds, run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 and so on and so forth  this is 3 days a week with one day off in between...... and when i looked i thought .. hey yeah i can do that !!! well that was 2 days ago, since i have roped a good friend of mine into this and she and I will both run in seperate cities and i call and check on her and she on me. Today despite getting over being sick and the dreary weather I started today .....

My very first run.. I am a self proclaimed non runner, My mantra previous to this week is  I DO NOT RUN !
 not any more.. i have decided that I CAN !! so my husband and our 3 kids go to a park that has a running track, I had been debating putting this off because im getting over being pretty sick and its dreary and lightly raining on and off. But my husband said no were stopping (thanks dear!) So i send my husband to the park with my kids and tell him not to watch me, he agrees and i know hes lying! so i start.

The first 5 min is walking briskly ..yep I can do this ... then i have to run, the first 10 seconds are good then pain in my right side under my breast but i can do this I'm not stopping ! and i did... I am very proud of this :)The pain stopped after that cycle. My speed running is defiantly closer to a fast walk but its a start and i'm okay with that  I must say though that while running my breasts bounce horrendously and I feel that i look like a cross between a T-Rex and like i belong in the special Olympics ( except that those people are in much better shape than i am ) As my podcast tells me my arms aren't too high and my fingers are loose so its like i have claws ... I am a flab-a-sarus Rex. This is the first time I have ever chosen to exercise, i do think its ironic that I remember hating running on this very same track as a late elementary school child being told to run by militant PE teacher. Halfway through another person joins me on the track, she's slim and looks like she knows what shes doing, and I wonder does she suspect that i am completely clueless and have never done this before. She starts walking the opposite direction.. am i going the wrong way? do i look like a complete idiot ? ack.. is my roll sticking out my tank top? ick! Well the very last 60second run inter-volt i couldn't hold my speed, i slowed down but it could have been worse ? Right ? After I realise that this is the first time in 6 years where I have spent 33 minutes not thinking about my children, our bills, just me :) and thats a pretty good feeling.

I call my husband and kids over from the park and in a sarcastic voice my husband says "How was that for ya?"  I feel crushed, I am so proud of myself and you cut me down to that !! I know he means well but that cut me pretty deep. I am fighting tears when he realizes that hes hurt me and he apologizes. I think i may have been over sensitive but either way i am hurt. I am quite sure that he will be more careful about what he says on Friday day 2 of week one. i don't think i will blog on off days. That being said I will be walking my son to school Monday to Friday both ways which is about 45 minutes of walk everyday.

So im setting goals with the ultimate goal of being somone my kids could be proud of :)

Daily.... drink water and take care of me
Weekly .. keep running and cut down on pop*

* this being said i will have had 2 cans by bedtime usually I would have drank 4-6 cans of Dr Pepper