Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Why am I doing this ?

It has occurred to me that a large part of the reason i am doing this is in the hopes that it will make me important to someone, and I know it will but probably not in the way I originally intended. If you treat me like crap now and then I get thin, what will change ? and if you treat me differently do I want you in my life? Probably not. I guess the harsh reality is that under my uber positive exterior is a very insecure person who feels worthless and I attribute that to my weight. This is affecting every inch of my life and not in ways that I like, I notice that effects my marriage, a lot ! I seem to have built a wall around myself, i dot know if I can bring it down, its funny ( well not really) that writing this actually makes me feel bad I see what I am doing to my life and I know who can stop it, I just feel helpless on the inside. I hope one day i can help myself, but right now I don't know how and when, if i even can.


  1. I suspect it may be the other way around - that the feeling worthless leads to the extra weight. Either way, working on one is bound to make the other better, too, since they're so interconnected. And when one hurts, the other will hurt, like your body/brain crash the other day.

    Don't give up, you can do this! It will get sooo much better - just take one gym day at a time.

  2. I was there 4 years ago and I've lost almost 50 pounds in the last two. I was unhappy and felt I wasn't worth it. I was also scared to death that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and become bulemic which in turn effected her heart causing her to have a heart attack and dieing 20 years ago. I did not want that to happen to me. I lost 15-20 pounds on my own and then March 2009 I joined Weight Watchers and lost another 29.8 pounds. I put a few of those pounds back on because of not being as diligent as I once was, but that is ok. I know that I can take it off again and how to do it.

    I have discovered that you have to learn to love yourself no matter what and forget about trying to get others to.

    Do not feel bad about writing all of this. It is the first step to a better you and the more you put it out there, the harder you will work to achieve your goal.

    Good for you for starting your journey. I am looking forward to watching your success.