After thoughts

5am ...... 
I have had a great many friends and family message me with support and encouragement, THANK YOU! i know that there will be weeks where it is your strength that keeps me going. It has occurred to me that this will affect more in my life than planned. For example i am awake at 5am and this is the first time tonight. My older daughter came into my room to snuggle. Normally by now I have been up and down several times by now, however today I know that the only reason I am up is because she woke me up.
Also my 2 little toes are stupidly itchy and its making me crazy !!! im off to bed now with a glass of water and a cough drop ( a Dr Pepper is tempting but i must pass) Side note I have decided that I will weigh myself in the morning.

9am......
My legs are a little jello-ey but I'm not sore, I slept well for the first time in a long long time !

5pm .....
I did a fair amount of walking today and my calves are a bit sore. My husband works tomorrow so I either need to figure out how to run in the day time with my 3 kids or do it at night .. maybe at the rec center at the gym ? hmmmm

9pm .....

I have been dreading my run tomorrow all day, but at the same time knowing that i can not back out of it. I really feel that its do or die, its time to loose the weight from 3 babys and a whole lot of stress.I have also been keeping a closer eye on what i eat, water with dinner ( not pop) and yogurt for dessert, not ice cream :) I am frustrated that i have had 3 cans of pop today, why am i putting myself through the work to pump my body full of crap? ICK well 3 is better than the usual 5-6 i guess. I have been thinking about starting some research about calories and sugars and fats ... there is just sooo much to learn and every book and every trainer seems to have a different idea about what the best approach is. I am so overwhelmed with this i am leaving it for now, and continuing to cut down on the obviously bad crap! I tend to take too much on then fail miserably ... I have soo many ideas .. but i have to start small :) i fear that if i fail I will not be able to get the motivation together to do this again, I will battle to the death with this, if that's what it takes.

On the bright side my running buddy is coming to my city and tomorrow and we are going to the rec center gym to use the treadmills. I think i have used a treadmill once before in my life and may have to ask for instruction. I am nervous of running in-front of people, i am okay with K my running buddy .. but what if someone else is there ? will they be as critical of my bouncing girls and rolls as i am ?  I have no idea, but i look forward to the day when i can go somewhere public in something good for running and not be scared of what i look like. As i type my thoughts I feel stronger and stronger .. YES I CAN!!! i cant wait one day i will look at my self in the mirror and not lie to myself about being okay with they way i look, and its coming. I am finding that I enjoy this and will probably keep it up.

Last Addition for the day, i have spent less time on the laptop than normal today and I want to keep that up:) and as I read my own words I almost want to cry, I really truly feel that I CAN and that is really empowering especially after so many times of trying to convince myself, I just know I CAN